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restricted to one area. And sure it will stink, but you're lazy, and the longer you stay around an unpleasant aroma the less you smell it. So it'll stink, you'll probably stink to, but what will you care? You won't be able to smell it anymore because your olfactory receptors will have already contacted their next of kin. And even if the sanitation level in your household does reach that of the middle ages, what's a little Bubonic Plague between friends?
There are still other lazy alternatives. There is one creature who can not only rid you of your unwanted food matter, but everything else you don't care for as well. Have a kid sister or old sofa you don't really need any more? This beast may be the answer to all your refuse problems. The tiger shark is a sea faring creature with a most voracious appetite. Some tiger sharks have been opened up to find such things as old tires, mufflers, and eight tracks. Granted the tiger sharks are not actually able to digest this material, but what do you care? Out of site is out of mind. As long as you can
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maintain a nice salt water pond in your back yard, all your refuse problems are solved. To avoid the hassles of law suits from angry parents, we would suggest that you keep a fence around this pond, electric if you can get it....20,000 volts if you're really ambitious (who needs fireworks when you can watch birds, squirrels and chipmunks literally explode as their little bodies encounter more electricity than it takes to run a theme park. For real fun, use AC instead of DC current; DC will make them stick, where AC will throw them a good 50 yards).
If you still have problems getting a hold of a tiger shark to do the job, contact the Cerebus Corp.( a subsidiary of Hell Inc.) and I'm sure they can fix you up with a genetically re-engineered version of the tiger shark who not only has the voracious appetite of it's more natural relatives, but a veritable chemical arsenal at hand with witch to digest anything from your old sneakers to your neighbor's carburetor. You probably wouldn't want to touch the by products of this animal, but don't worry it'll eat them too.
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Our Two Cents
Since we first began publishing the unsolicited inner workings of our minds, we have received, both directly and indirectly, a number of derogatory remarks. We have been accused of being everything from racist to just plain annoying. The consensus of hate mail revolves around the question of where we get off.
Well let us tell you where we get off: usually in the privacy of our own rooms. The entire purpose of Gracies Dinnertime Theatre is not to lull you back into the groggy meandering you call life. If we could (Well some of us, well, one of us. The rest of us are pretty indifferent to the existence of others. We know you're there, but as long we can keep from running into you, we're happy to ignore the whole thing.), we'd scream in all of your faces, just to get you to say, "What the hell is your problem?!"
Yes, what we say is irreverent...and often irrelevant (not to mention our loose writing style, questionable grammar and punctuation). But there's more than one way to take life. We just choose to sit here, twanging our synapses, trying to find a way to tickle our fancies (or anything else we feel like tickling). Sure, you can look around and choose to live in a world of horror and oppression; feel that there is nothing you can do about the evils events happening in the lives of others. Or, you can fully realize that THERE IS NOTHING you can do about the horrors in other's lives, except laugh. Then go to Taco Bell and try to figure out why an entire meal costs less than a can of Alpo (we know...).
Life is joy, is humor, and we live it for the fun of it. If you want your life to be a horror story...that's your choice. Just don't drag the people who are living their lives as though they were in a Gary Larson cartoon (God bless Gary Larson and "Cow Tools"). Don't act surprised when the monster comes out from under the bed and eats your dream..so, opwen yhour /.e/.yes scandf.a.cehte....
"I will Preach!"
We're sorry. We're not sure what happened. We've given the offending party some Valium and he's sitting in the corner licking the air. Now back to our usual nonsense.
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