Columbus Day

Sunday, October 8th 1995
Volume 2, Issue 5
"GDT- We love the smell of napalm in the morning."

Hi, campers! Columbus Day is fast approaching, and you know what that means.... That's right! 503 years of mayhem and mischief brought by the Europeans. I think Kurt Vonnegut Jr. said it best:

1492: the teachers told the children that this was when their continent was discovered by human beings. Actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. That was simply the year in which sea pirates began to cheat and rob and kill them.

But let's not give that lucky Italian all the credit. Hell, just about everyone from Europe landed in the Americas. First there was St. Brendan (an Irish monk), but he was only interested in finding the Isle of the Blessed. Then the Vikings came along. The Vikings, the scourge of Europe, those marauders whose name struck fear into the hearts of men got their collective asses kicked when they tried to form a colony in "Vinland." And that was the end for the rock chewing Vikings.

But then Columbus shows ups, carrying with him the entire Western ethos, not to mention a healthy approval of the Inquisition in Spain, which was just beginning to find it's stride. Columbus brought egocentrism, slavery, oh, and small pox. But what can you expect from the Europeans of the time. It was bound to happen. Hell, the only reason they weren't still living in piles of their own shit was because the Bubonic Plague taught them a quick lesson: Hygiene and You (or how not to die from pollution caused by overcrowding, Part I). For up until that time cleanliness was certainly not next to Godliness, in fact it was considered an indication of sin. It was just one of those little Christian hang-ups from the good old Roman Empire, for however immoral they're system was they certainly knew how to keep clean. And whatever the Romans were, the Christians didn't want to be. So which god would cleanliness be next to?

Yeah, sure, Columbus' landing started a policy of rape and plunder that lasted up until just after World War II, but there were even worse explorers. Columbus only decimated the islands of the Gulf, but Cortez obliterated entire civilizations.

And then the English, always up for a good plunder, got into the action, but a little further north. Buy Long Island for a string of beads? Give me a break. Land of the Free? Are you kidding? Does "Trail of Tears" ring a bell? How about "Ghost Dance"?

In a way, I think the Indians might have gotten back with the Europeans, in the long-run. While men who had been at sea for months were running around sticking their dicks into any woman, willing or otherwise, no one bothered to tell them about Syphilis. "Oh her? No. Her fingers are supposed to fall off like that. It's like the leaves in the fall, they'll grow back in the spring. People are just different on this segment of the globe. Sure, go sleep with her and then cough on the other men."

Europeans also got tobacco from the Indians. Used in a reserved manner by the natives, the Europeans predictably overused it, until one individual dies of tobacco related illnesses every ten seconds world wide today. Light up, you black lunged son's of bitches and have a happy Columbus Day.

If you'd like to read more about it, we recommend: Navgatio Sancti Brendani (better brush up on your Latin), The Prince by Machivelli, Helpful Microorganisms by Daniel Lapedes, and The Surgeon General's Warning found on any pack of cigarettes.

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Hi, campers! Columbus Day is fast approaching, and you know what that means.... That's right! 503 years of mayhem and mischief brought by the Europeans. I think Kurt Vonnegut Jr. said it best: 1492: the teachers told the children that this was when their continent was discovered by human beings. Actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. That was simply the year in which sea pirates began to cheat and rob and kill them. But let's not give that lucky Italian all the credit. Hell, just about everyone from Europe landed in the Americas. First there was St. Brendan (an Irish monk), but he was only interested in finding the Isle of the Blessed. Then the Vikings came along. The Vikings, the scourge of Europe, those marauders whose name struck fear into the hearts of men got their collective asses kicked when they tried to form a colony in "Vinland." And that was the end for the rock chewing Vikings. But then Columbus shows ups, carrying with him the entire Western ethos, not to mention a healthy approval of the Inquisition in Spain, which was just beginning to find it's stride. Columbus brought egocentrism, slavery, oh, and small pox. But what can you expect from the Europeans of the time. It was bound to happen. Hell, the only reason they weren't still living in piles of their own shit was because the Bubonic Plague taught them a quick lesson: Hygiene and You (or how not to die from pollution caused by overcrowding, Part I). For up until that time cleanliness was certainly not next to Godliness, in fact it was considered an indication of sin. It was just one of those little Christian hang-ups from the good old Roman Empire, for however immoral they're system was they certainly knew how to keep clean. And whatever the Romans were, the Christians didn't want to be. So which god would cleanliness be next to? Yeah, sure, Columbus' landing started a policy of rape and plunder that lasted up until just after World War II, but there were even worse explorers. Columbus only decimated the islands of the Gulf, but Cortez obliterated entire civilizations. And then the English, always up for a good plunder, got into the action, but a little further north. Buy Long Island for a string of beads? Give me a break. Land of the Free? Are you kidding? Does "Trail of Tears" ring a bell? How about "Ghost Dance"? In a way, I think the Indians might have gotten back with the Europeans, in the long-run. While men who had been at sea for months were running around sticking their dicks into any woman, willing or otherwise, no one bothered to tell them about Syphilis. "Oh her? No. Her fingers are supposed to fall off like that. It's like the leaves in the fall, they'll grow back in the spring. People are just different on this segment of the globe. Sure, go sleep with her and then cough on the other men." Europeans also got tobacco from the Indians. Used in a reserved manner by the natives, the Europeans predictably overused it, until one individual dies of tobacco related illnesses every ten seconds world wide today. Light up, you black lunged son's of bitches and have a happy Columbus Day. If you'd like to read more about it, we recommend: Navgatio Sancti Brendani (better brush up on your Latin), The Prince by Machivelli, Helpful Microorganisms by Daniel Lapedes, and The Surgeon General's Warning found on any pack of cigarettes.