The Great Gatorade Conspiracy

-Written by Mr. Buh


I have just figured out the world's biggest conspiracy of all time. It's bigger than the Nixon tapes; bigger than the whole OliverStone-ish JFK scandal; it's even bigger than the Illuminati. I'm talking about Gatorade. That's right: Gatorade. You may think that it's nothing more than a cool, refreshing beverage to drink after a hard workout. But I know better.

Gatorade is the root of many problems in our country. First of all, it's addictive. I don't care what you say. Ever since the first time I drank it, I can't stop. I think that it is laced with small traces of heroin or something. And I don't own a car, so I can't drive to a grocery store and buy it in bulk. I have to buy it 12 ounces at a time for 75 cents apiece. When I'm thirsty, I drink Gatorade. When I'm sick, I drink Gatorade. When I'm hung over, I drink Gatorade. The only thing that stops the horrible, HORRIBLE voices in my head is a nice can of lemon-lime Gatorade. I swear to god; someday I won't have any Gatorade around and I'll be forced to do something I don't want to. I try to be good, I really do! But the voices, they won't let me! They tell me to commit horrible crimes such as rape, manslaughter, and littering. They also tell me to buy more Gatorade, the root of my problem! I try to settle down by smoking a huge bag of crack, but it never works! The voices won't leave me alone when I try to sleep at night; I just gaze at my roommate, sipping my nuclear green citrus drink, pondering what kind of noise he would make if I slit his throat while he slept...

Next, many large disasters in our country can be blamed on Gatorade. Are you a sports fan? Do you remember when Michael Jordan went into retirement? Right after he started endorsing Gatorade, god damnit! Think about the Gulf War. Now, first let me say that I am ashamed to live in a country that entered that war. Not because I don't like war, mind you, but because I'm pissed that we didn't beat the shit out of Iraq!! But when did that whole sordid affair start? When Gatorade came out with their new flavors, that's when! And do you remember the huge increase in drug use in the mid-eighties? That's when those assholes changed their packaging design. And the root of it all, the date Gatorade was first marketed in stores across the nation: August 8, 1965. The day the Vietnam War started!!!

We need to put a stop to the ruthless Sports Drink Tyrants and end their terrible reign of mind control and chemical addiction. Gatorade junkies of the world unite! It's time to kill the fascist drug lords and reclaim our lives and our country as our own.