It used to be that the gram, THE gram, was held in Paris, France, and if you needed to weigh something, you had to compare it to that gram, or to something somebody else compared to that gram. And also in Paris, there was a big stick with two notches exactly one meter apart, and if you wanted to measure how long something was, you would compare it to that stick. And just outside of Paris, there were four atomic clocks for telling the time inside a building with stations for getting the time from six other buildings around the world. And if you wanted to know exactly what time it was, you would ask them.
Well, I'll be honest with you. When I was in high school, I devoted many, many hours, far too many for a mentally healthy schoolboy to devote to anything outside of his education, to the study of this set of measurements and standards. My motive, though not an obvious one, was clear, consice, and unmoving; When I reached a respectable age, I would take over this set of standards by use of force or deceit, and henceforth become the only guy who knew what a kilogram was, the only guy who knew what time it really was, the only guy who knew how big things were, and everyone on the face of the planet would have to trust their lives unto me!!!!!!! I mean, what beats world dominance? huh? And really, who expects a hostile takeover of their time or weight? Nobody! I had the perfect plan!!! Who would even think of stopping me? People would be embarassed to even propose guarding such places heavily, and I planned on having a well armed takeover. I had dreams of becoming the Kilogram Man, people calling me up to ask what time it was and being completely at my mercy, and being the only person in charge of how much of things there were. I had found my calling, being in control of everybody else, and I knew how to get there. The saga of my plans of conquest and the events that foiled them will be the subject of this section for the months to come.