Hi! Iím Eric. You might know me as Wittiest Man Alive. Iím not a guy on TV, but I play one in real life. And not only that, I can also read your thoughts. You'd think that being the wittiest person on Earth automatically puts me on the high road in life. "Is he a psychic," you ask? (And I know you do) No. But I still know what youíre thinking, because everyone thinks that. EVERYONE! Except me of course. I know the truth. The awful, horrible, down right despicable truth. I HAVE TO LIVE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I know what youíre thinking now, "Poor soul." Thatís right. All my life Iíve known that I was witty, and Iíve had to suffer the burden of that inhospitable truth. I always knew that I was destined for my scintillating place in humanity, and I thought I was prepared to live my life as a commoner, a plebian among many lowly others. But alas, I have failed. I despise all of those in society who attempt to be witty, but fall short in an astounding explosion of failure. I hate the fact that my wittiness often escapes my lips unnoticed by others. I hate the fact that I have to write an article about my complaints so that people will hear me. I am fed up with the ill treatment of the obviously far superior persons in our little hovel of existence. I ask, no, I DEMAND on the behalf of all phenomenal and unprecedented persons such as myself, that we be decorated with the utmost of attention, presents, and services. I have prepared a list of my conditions. I expect these to be carried out by the rest of the world with absolute fear and humility. I also expect them to take place as of this moment.

1: If ever I am witness to an example of poor wit on the behalf of a fellow human, I have the sole right to strike that person with a severe slap, punch, or kick where he stands, and no one within a 20í radius is allowed to remark to his dim-witted comment in any positive fashion. Anyone breaking the latter half of this demand will also be struck.

2: If ever I am accosted with the unwanted chance to wait in a line, all persons will kindly move away from the front of said line (cheerfully waving and being thankful that such a witty person is in their presence) and allow me to take their place at the lead of the line.

3: I want some tea.

4: If ever I am about to convey a witty or insightful comment, all persons within hearing distance of my voice (e.g., 50í in a library) shall immediately stop all conversations and other distractions that might interrupt my importance and face me to receive their undeserved blessing.

5: I want some iced tea, not just any tea.

6: I should be adorned with lucrative endorsement opportunities that not only allow me to spread my presence further among humanity, but pay handsomely. These products should include, but not be limited to Nike, Pepsi, designer fragrances, KFC, Thigh Master, the Ronco Food Dehydrator, and Cool from Nestea (speaking of which, I still havenít gotten my tea, and I expect my demands to be met immediately).

7: I expect my biography to be placed in every major encyclopedia in the English speaking world. It should also be included in the encyclopedias (or its applicable equivalent) in the French, German, Dutch, Spanish, Japanese, Icelandic, Chinese (Mandarin and Cantonese dialects), Botswani, Swahili, Sanskrit, Yiddish, Latin (Pig and Classic dialects), Portuguese, and Russian speaking worlds.

If my demands are not met, I will be forced to deprive this world of the one thing that its very survival hinges on ñ my wit. Thatís right. If I am not satisfied with the procedure in which these few and simple conditions are carried out, I will have no choice but to set aside my wit when in public and refrain from writing wit-filled essays such as this. If I donít receive my tea within the next 30 seconds, I will immediately unleash this deprivation punishment upon the Earth and laugh as all of you scramble to pick up the pieces in your puny soon-to-be shattered lives. Iíll just say this, "Iím waiting." . . . All right, thatís it. Iím shutting up now, and there is nothing any of you can do to stop me.