An Essay on the Existance of Kansas



The United stated of America. Fifty individual units united together by the incredible binding power of our unscrupulous national government. But in this day and age, you canít even trust the number of stars on our own flag. Thatís right, gullible America, we have a nation of only 49 states. Thanks to the pretty easy number fifty, our country decided to round our count of states up to the nearest ten. Kansas was devised, created, and added to the union during the Carter administration, under the orders of executive kingpin Jimmy Carter himself. Kansas does not really exist. I mean, have you ever met anyone from Kansas? No. Of course not. No one has. The only people from Kansas are government agents hired to spy on and deceive the public. So if anyone ever tells you theyíre from Kansas, theyíre either a government official, or a lying son of a mule.

But Jimmy was smart. Oh, he was a wily one. He went back and stuck Kansas in the history books right before the Civil War, when nobody would either notice or care, and then he even went on to give them a baseball team, a state bird and flower, and congressmen in Washington. That is how the most evil senators stay in senate. They go to the house through Kansas, and since there is no population to vote them out, they can keep their evil congressional work going without pause.

Ooh, Jimmy was a diabolical man. And a smart man. Smart enough to change most every map in the United States, but not smart enough to dupe me, because I found out all about his little adjustment. You know the Kansas City Royals? They play out of Missouri. Have you ever tried to drive to Kansas? Nobody ever has, and all the policemen you ask for directions ask you why youíd want to go there, and they just look at you funny when you say youíre visiting relatives or friends. They donít like you looking for what they know isnít there. And if you look up the word Kansas in a Summerian-English dictionary, youíll see that "Kansan," roughly translated, means "a big prank or joke on the American public."

Well, Mr. Carter you have one sick sense of humor, and America isnít laughing. America is smart. And America wants to hear the truth. And Iím smart. And I want to tell America the truth. So next time you plan on messing with the American public, I suggest you plan again, because the American people wonít have it. If anyone wishes to purchase actual maps of the United States without the Kansas alterations, they can be ordered through me for twenty-five dollars.