"Shut up, friend and smoke your brain..."p People often think
that drugs are bad; sometimes they're right. Drug legalization is one
those topics that people are fairly consistent about: they either love it
or they hate it. So... we decided to be ambivalent. If drug use is
totally legalized, all kinds of hell would break loose. Maybe once the
novelty of excessive legal tripping out wears off, people will realize
that living an unreal, out of touch existence is not conducive to keeping
your pants clean. But they should still be legalized, just for the chaos
it would cause. Just think of the fun we could have (not to mention the
money we could make). This money could be put to good, American uses,
like tobacco subsidies and hiring famous people for recreational
phamaceutical infomercials.
Lots of famous people use drugs, some of them are only famous because
of their drug use. Marion Barry, mayor of Washington D.C., was convicted
of smoking crack (and liking it). The residents of D.C. respected this
so much he was re-elected mayor after his year and a half stint in
prison (another thing D.C.ers could relate to).
Once drug use is legal the federal government could tax the sale of
drugs, and then subsidize the growers and importers (that way we could
maintain the delicate balance of "money out > money in" that Congress
prides themselves on). The slogan of the Society of Manufactures and
Consumers of Kannabis (SMACK) Lobby would be "Leave no vein untapped."
And let me tell you, now that the entire Congress is hooked, when this
lobby talks, everybody listens. The surgeon general never gets hooked
though, and insists on increasingly blunt warning labels on all drugs:
"This shit WILL kill you."t And for the less financially
fortunate, crack stamps doled out with the food stamps. Better yet, make
acid stamps and skip the whole salesman thing altogether. The state
governments would make money from the sale licenses to sell and distribute
drugs. No more driving over the state line to get the cheaper liquor,
why bother when the Chips and Crack store on the corner is open 24 hours?
There would be lots of different brands (Classic Coke, Coke II (how
about Crystal (Meth) Pepsi?)). Your average grocery store could go wild
with merchandising. Who wants to make magic brownies when you can buy a
mix?z The mushroom selection would swell considerably. The
home-brew section would now include Make-Your-Own Acid-In-A-Bag. Not to
mention the gardening supplies (Chia-Pot?) and the "baked goods" section
of Wegmans now includes a hash bar next to the pizza bar. The vending
machines include packs of marijuana cigarettes, bags of crack, potato
chips, snickers bars, and condoms. ("We accept debit") Just slide your
card through, take a hit and head to class. The wonders of modern
technology get so much more wondrous when you're floating three inches
above the ground.
The award for Best Application of Technology to Drug Use goes to
genetic engineering: TheyTM created a procedure that inserts a small
collection of genes that code for enzymes that synthesize chemicals that
are analogous to psychoactive drugs that you'd be able to turn On by
drinking something common like Milk that you can get in a grocery store
that also sells the kits to start your own genetic engineering lab that
produces mice that live solely on marijuana leaves that grow in the
closets of the house that Jack built. The original investment to get
this procedure performed on you is appallingly expensive, but when
weighed against the amount of money you'd spend to support the weekly
ephedrine habit, the daily pot habit, and the hourly crack habit, this is
a great deal.
p- Special thanks to the best local band on the circuit, das Pietzsche Nietzsches.
t- The originals were more like: "Warning. Crack may cause excitability.
Do not operate heavy machinery. May be habit-forming."
z- Hash brownies are a vicious cycle all of their own, first you eat so
me, then you get the munchies, so you have some more brownies because
they're sitting there on the table in front of you, then you get the
munchies....you get the point.
|
|