Volume1, Special Issue Gracies Dinnertime Theatre Thursday April 13, 1995
Treason Thursday...
(What would you do for thirty pieces of silver?)
This idea was brought to you in part by the imagination of Robert McKay: gone...but comes for visits.

In recent years there has been a deluge of self-help books dedicated to the concept of positive thinking. "Think yourself rich", "Think yourself to a better career", "Think yourself into a tight red leather skirt with six inch heels and then straight into bed for profit." You get the idea.
The problem with all these books is the authors have simply cashed in on the concept of political correctness. If you haven't been able to identify the idea behind political correctness, we'll try to clear it up for you: to be politically correct, simply look at something, give it a different name that means the same thing, and attach some kind of negative meaning to the old phrase. What the books call "positive thinking", religions call "prayer", children call "wishing" and the constitutionally incapacitated swashbuckler might call "hope" or "gin." They're all examples of the same phenomena(do, do. Do, do-do? Dodo dodod? How the hell do you write the words to "Mah Na Mah Na"?).
The human mind, you see, is set up sort of like the desktop of a Macintosh computer, with all the cutesy little icons representing rather complicated programs. That's how we think. We think in terms of abstract images which go together to make bigger, even more abstract ideas. One of the many programs that each human desktop comes installed with (including Instinct 7.5, which includes the same features as Instinct 1-7: Eat, Sleep, Run-When-Scared-Or-Punch-It, and Mating, though Instinct 7.5 lets the user multitask) is The God File.
The God File is more like a program than a file, and it has many names; God, Jehovah, Brahmin, Allah, Santa Claus, insert name here, whatever you may address your wishful thinking to. The God File is tied in with all of your subconscious inits that you have running all the time. Freud called them the super-ego. I don't think that there is a human alive that can justify everything they do all the time, and that's because of all the stuff we have running in the background. Little things we picked up as children which we aren't even aware of. In the case of obsessive compulsive individuals, their background inits take up in excess of 20,000 megs.
Anyway, The God File alters your subconscious programming in subtle ways, according to whatever was sent to The God File. Let's say, for instance, you really wanted to do well on a test. That desire would be sent to The God File, which would alter your subconscious behavior and make you want to study more.
Unfortunately, The God File can not distinguish between "good" wishes and "bad" wishes. This is the "power of negative thinking." Every time you think badly about yourself, that concept is sent to The God File, which then does its job. Your behavior is altered so you really do act like a loser; its a self fulfilling prophesy.
On top of all this, everyone's God File is linked by an Ethernet. So not only is your behavior being altered in subtle ways to help you achieve the goal you have sent to your own God File, other peoples behavior is also altered to help you achieve your goal.
What this all boils down to is what the self-help books have been saying: it's all in your hands. If you want a life of depression and misery, go ahead and think about one. Think of the worst one you can...'cause it will come true; you'll make it come true. If, however, you want a life full of joy and childhood whimsy, think humorous thoughts, learn not to take things so seriously, oh, and read us for a chuckle every now and then.
No one intentionally buys a faulty product, so why choose to live a shitty life?


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