I recently had to replace the stereo in my car due to the fact that someone felt they were entitled to it slightly more than I. To try and deter future pilfering of my possessions, I coughed up some extra cash to buy one of those newfangled detachable face models. I love the concept behind this technology. If I take off the face plate the stereo doesn't work; end of story. This makes stealing such equipment pointless, or at the very least not as much fun (but then again staring at a metal and plastic box with wires sticking out of one end could be very enjoyable to a segment of our population...probably the same people who tape fishing shows and who the new line of Chia-animals are marketed toward).
Imagine the wide application of this technology in todays on-the-go society. Say, for example, you're a mother of three and you're at the mall with your little darlings: you want to run into the little glass figurine store, or maybe Frederick's of Hollywood. Leaving your kids right outside the store would be great...if you didn't have to worry about some proto-pubescent relocation specialist snatching them the minute you turn away.
Now to alleviate you're sleepless nights (and wakeless days), Hell Inc. introduces its varied line of Child Theft Deterrent accessories (and Personal Pleasure Devices).
You can have your child fitted with the behavior modification implant...with special LED screen. One flip of the cleverly hidden switch (choose from Behind-The-Ear, Under-The-Armpit or the ever popular False- Tooth) and the easily seen LED display lets people know your child is armed. The different behavior modes available range from Unending Inane Questions ("Why do you have hair growing in your ears?"), Repeat Song Mode ("Bingo" over, and over, and over), to Hell-Spawn-Projectile-Vomiting-Demon-Child.
You can shop at ease knowing that little Johnny or Sally will utterly destroy the life of any would-be kidnapper. In our extensive test marketing research, abductors were easily located by their obvious facial twitches and Tourettes-like shrieks of, "Stop it!" ,"For the love of God!", and "Kill me. Kill me now." In fact, stolen children were often returned within half an hour of attempted relocation, fully washed and well fed.
For those who can't afford to shell out the cash for this equipment, we offer some inexpensive alternatives: detachable face plate and removable limb features. You can choose from full or partial arm and leg detachments, removable face (the good feature of the detachable face is they're all interchangeable. Ever wonder what Bobby would look like as a girl? Just pop his face on Sarah. Easy on, easy off!), and removable jaw.
With these deterrents in place you can rest assured that although you may never see Timmy again he won't live his life out doing hard labor as a white slave; you still have his arms and left leg. Just pray he never finds his way onto the illegal and underground "Human Pinata" circuit.
Imagine the seedy scene: a dark back room, the light hazy through the smoke, and there, strung up like a pig in a butcher shop window, is your little baby; and he's loving every minute of it. With the all pudding diet he's on, he can't feel a thing through the sixteen inch layer of subcutaneous fat covering his body. The only way he can get food into the pucker that is his mouth is through a straw and an air-pump.
Just a round, shapeless monoped, looking like some warped, fleshy tether-ball from hell.
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