We, the writers of GDT, have been thinking about how it might be possible to make guinea pigs more interesting. You know the little buggers; eat, sleep, walk, and if you're really lucky it might stop screaming long enough for you to find enough foam and ducktape to make that suckers cage airtight (then the real fun starts. We suggest Sarran Wrap. That allows the best seal-to-view ratio). First we thought of crossing it through the magic of genetic engineering with a howler monkey, but then we realized that that might just exacerbate the problem.
Then it hit us. Lemmings! Lemmings are interesting. Hell, a couple thousand of those little gits, a fjord or two, some popcorn, and maybe few lawnchairs. It's better than watching a football game on a Sunday afternoon, but it's strictly a spectator sport ( though I can name at least seven people I'd like to see swept up in the heat of the moment).
Just think of all the possibilities. Instead of having one of those annoying running wheels, you could have a cliff so it can hurl itself off of. If it's overweight and lazy (as most American pets seem to be.) it could be like an escalator , the lemme-pig wouldn't have to do anything. They're worse than dogs at dinner, though. They won't beg for food, but they want you to pick them up and put them on the table. I beseech you: DON'T DO IT! As soon as they know they can manipulate you, you'll be nothing but a glorified airlift. They'll expect it to be done over, and over, and over again.
The up side of owning a lemme-pig is that kids enjoy watching them more than television. Slinkies aren't seen as often with a lemme-pig in the home.
Not only do kids love to watch those stupid little fur balls roll ass-over-end down a flight of stairs, their little legs flung out, tiny squeals of bliss escaping their muzzles upon each impact (kid tested, mother approved(oh, yes)), the lemme-pigs are in rodent heaven; consecutive cliffs! Amazing. Of course there will be the bleeding hearts asking, "isn't that cruel?" Hell, no. If you want to be cruel to a lemme-pig, take them to the Great Plains.
Picture it: rolling grass as far as the eye can see, with only the wind making noise. But wait, what's that low rumble. Good God! a whole herd of wild lemme-pigs (a product of Cerberus©, a subsidiary of Hell Inc©.) The land is suddenly black with their little bodies as they desperately search for anything to fling themselves off of. If you ever get caught in a lemme-pig stampede...RUN! Those tenacious freaks will all try to shimmy up your pant legs and jump off your head! You'll be crushed under the weight of thousands of furry bodies (say...)!
If they can't find anything, an amazing display of cooperation is shown. Let's go to our man in the field, and get a report:
"The massive airship is just now pulling up to the gantry and-OH MY GOD! It's burst into flame! Oh, the humanit-"
Sorry, wrong man in the field. We're still having problems with this whole linear time/single probability concept. Here's our other man in the field:
(Voice of any nature show): "The vast herds of mighty Lemme-pigs©, here in America's heartland, recreate the impression of undulating ocean waves as they hurl themselves off of one another in an attempt to appease their instincts.
"It really is beautiful to watch- OH MY GOD! They've burst into flames! Oh the lemmenity!"
Order yours today!
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