Sunday Dec. 10th, 1995 Vol.3, issue 1 "We do whatever our rice crispies tell us to." "What I'm saying, in sum, dear friends, is that it is all hopelessly artificial. That people are no better at X-mas time than any time, and by spouting platitudes in the name of a scrawny prophet who got hammered in place for saying stuff a lot more radical than what I'm saying here, none of those yule-nuts become brighter or more sanctified or even a lot kinder. "And weighed against the people who suicide out of loneliness and misery, all the sales of Timex watches don't mean a goddamn thing." -Harlan Ellison Christmas time is drawing near, and along with it, the increase in that wonderful seasonal ailment: holiday depression. Yes, suicides will steadily rise as people open their veins like crimson advent calendars. Heck, a splatter of red corpuscles next to the mistletoe can look downright festive if done right. Sure there are always those who really mean business. Those people who kill themselves quickly and efficiently; hell, they're even polite about it. They don't tell anyone, leave little mess, and usually aren't really missed for long. But then there are the "cry for help people." You know who we mean. They're the ones who try to overdose on children's Tylenol and laxatives...the ones who think about slitting their wrists in a manner that won't leave a permanent scar£. They don't actually want to kill themselves. Hell, all they really need is a good stage. By the time one of these guys figures out a feasible plan of an "attempted suicide" that guarantees at least twenty concerned onlookers, or just a small gathering of the most important family and friends, any self respecting suicidal maniac has already splattered themselves all over somebody else's vehicle registration. In honor of these proud individuals who are so lame they use suicide as a great way to make friends, Gracies Dinnertime Theatre and the Judas Corp. (a subsidiary of Hell Inc.) proudly present: National Tetrodotoxin Week; the ultimate way of finding out just how much they care. Ever wondered how much your family and friends would miss you if you died? Ever wanted to know what they really thought of you? Want to be dead or just look like you are? Yes, you too can now enjoy all the advantages of dying with none of those harmful side effects (like being dead). This miracle drug, derived from the livers of puffer fish, can bring your life functions down to a point where they are virtually undetectable by modern medical science¤. What the Haitians use as magic and the Japanese eat as a decidedly dangerous delicacy, you can use to satisfy your own insecure drives ("spooky noise" musical tie available for additional effect...and additional price). You can rest confidently (or be laid to rest) knowing that your brain functions will still be operating and for a period of forty eight hours, while you're cold on the slab, you will be able to hear every thing that goes on around you. Imagine the hilarity that ensues when your nerves finally begin to work correctly and you can move ¥! You've heard everything at the wake, now sock it to 'em! Will your cousin Mel, who still owes you $50 pay up? Will your "significant other" pack up and leave town "like they should've done 10 years ago?" Will anyone look you in the eye? Here's your chance to really realize that the world won't stop without you. If you'd like to read more about it, we recommend the following books: any good dictionary, The Serpent and the Rainbow by Wade Davis (don't watch the movie) and Esh-kish Org-ib Bork Bork Bork, by the Swedish Chief.

£ A little hint: if you ever do really want to slit your wrists, do it length wise. Start at the wrist and run the cutting utensil down to your elbow. This will ensure that you'll be a goner; no one will be able to close a wound like that easily. The only problem is that the wrist has less nerves than the rest of your arm, so laying your whole arm open will hurt a lot. My advise is: don't. Hell, we all die soon enough. Are you really that impatient? ¤ There are actually four stages to tetrodotoxin poisoning. The first is a slight numbness in your body. This is the desired effect when the Japanese eat it. The second stage is vomiting and overall discomfort. The third is paralysis in which the victim appears dead. All metabolic functions nearly cease, though consciousness continues. The fourth stage is death, but by the time the third stage is reached, most people are already planted six feet under anyway. ¥ Don't try this prank around Easter; people are touchy enough (like we don't know). Plus you don't want a horde of "believers" following you around, eating your bacon and trampling your petunias.