Sunday February 18th,1996 Vol. 3, issue 9 "Vegetarians eat vegetables-I am a humanitarian." -The Bare-Foot Girl Excuse me...have you heard of Amy Arena? Oh, your god (yours, not mine. MINE would NEVER allow anything like this to happen). Make her stop! Excuse me? You haven't heard of her? You must listen to that other alternative radio station; you know, the one that talks through the beginings of songs. It's named the Synapse, or the Neurotransmitter...something like that. If you haven't heard this slice of epicack, this segment of concentrated catastasis with not a thought of denoument, brought to the surface, wiped off, and served extra crispy, consider yourself lucky. Jesus, I can't even begin to express how much I dislike this song...and don't give any of that "Oh, you don't like it because she's an opinionated woman" crap. I don't like the song because it sucks. Alanis Morrissette is someone who is a little bitter, who speaks her mind, and I really like her. And let me tell you, I'm fairly sure I don't not like Amy Arena because she uses opinionated language like what is not found on most universities; Gracies Dinnertime Theatre has been accused of a lot, but never of being politically correct. Amy Arena; I'd like to see her in an arena...preferably a Roman one with lots of lions (and Christians. Lots of Christians, a whole drove of them (what do you call a bunch of Christians? A gaggle of geese, a pride of lions, a murder of crows, a casket of Christians?), the plains dark with the grazing bodies of wild, free range Christians, ready to be driven north to the border for shipment to the processing plants. WWWWWCHTTTTTT(Yeah, you got some thing to say? I'd like to see you spell the sound of a whip crack). She seems like such a sweet girl, always apologizing. Apparently, she is a gap toothed woman. Now, I've heard the phrase, but what is a gap toothed woman? Is it just some chick with a...well, a gap in her front teeth? Big deal. I met a girl with a gap in her teeth and she could call birds down from the trees, not to mention she could spit water at least 20 feet. This song is wrong on so many levels. "Excuse me, if I eat ice cream with nuts from the rain forest, because I support the rain forest" (or some silly shit). Yeah, she supports the rain forest all right. Little does she know how they harvest those freak'n nuts in the first place. You think they've got a bunch of whistling native dwarves (breaking spontaneously into the HIHO song every chance they get without really knowing why) jumping about the canopy happily mining away those wondrous rain forest nuts? Lady, who's world do you live in? This is a business, and the procedure is easy: just cut those damn trees down and pick up the nuts at your leisure. Do you know how hard it is to climb up a tree, especially for dwarfs. Besides, centuries of living under mountains do not make them the most agile climbers. You have no idea how many injuries there are each year when those poor forsaken souls fall ass over teakettle from seven stories up. Sure they bounce, but it isn't funny (well, not very. I mean you get over it in about a week, but in the mean time, you get very little done, what with all the snickering). Yeah, well I'm sure you could do just as much for the rain forest by decorating your teak canopy bed with the taunt pelts of flocks of flying squirrels. Sure, your room would smell a bit like AEon Flux (hazelnuts, leather, gunpowder, sex...) but what a great motif. You could finish it off by having a pool table with billiard balls made from the tusks of slaughtered elephants, and a tiger-down pillow (do you have any CONCEPT of how may tigers you have to pluck to get enough down to fill just one pillow?). Yupper-dupper-do. I really don't like that song. She has told us what it is she hates, but what is it she wants? All this angst must be directed toward some goal higher than listing off everything she's against. I'm against having a catheter inserted and then filled with acetic acid, pumped at thirty three psi backward through my system till it blows out the other end, but I don't need to whine about it.