(produced at random by creatures of curious intent)

Speak Professor, Speak...Good Dog

It seems the educational standards in this country have been waning. It has become a simple matter of professor regurgitates what he reads from a book, students regurgitate teacher's words back. This simple minded spoon-feeding has become the way of the nineties, and students are expected to ge prepared for reality when they leave these fine institutions of higher learning called colleges. Rutgers is a relatively widely renowned school for its business and law departments. It is also reputed to have a wonderful education department that, in essence, has received its reputation for regurgitating the most widely arrayed material anywhere. In the meantime, while students A-Z are learning their ABC's, and are being tested on the relative amount of useless facts they can memorize, the professors putting forth no effort (or as little as possible) are reaping the rewards of their tenured paychecks without threat of being terminated for their lack of learning.

Since the management cannot fire these victims of cranial atrophy, it is my proposal that we place these professors into positions where they can have no impact on a young mind. Somewhere that they can read one book and reiterate what is said within to passers by and not have too great an influence on those attempting to use their brains.

It is my proposal that an evaluation team be formed to assess the capabilities of present professors at Rutgers University in Camden. This team should consist of one graduate student from each of the following departments:

  • psychology--to assess the amount of emotional damage ensueing from a poor education produced by a particular professor.
  • mathematics--to determine the amount of time a given professor may have been teaching his or her students in a half-asked way and this done on a time to student ratio also to determine the time of "rehabilitation."
  • and law--to determine the punitive action and proper placement of the inadequates.

    This team will then covertly observe a minimum of five classroom sessions with the professor to be evaluated and will score that professor on the same grading scale and with the same amoung of constructive criticism that his of her students are accustomed to receiving. This will be taking into account both classroom size and course being taught. Considering past grading procedures, most professors will be evaluated in a check box format listing one word adjectives with the teacher being assessed on a poor, good, average, excellent scale. The professor will then be relocated to a more suitable position in the system according to his or her performance.

    I continue my proposal that all professors that rank "poor" be donated to the grounds keeping department or to the art department. The latter may make use of the professors in Post-Modernist sculpture, and the former as lawn ornaments. Should the grounds department be overwhelmed with too many of these professors (as is likely), it should then be evaluated to see if these men and women would make worthy sign or fence posts or perhaps as fertilizer (this last factor of course being determined by how poorly they rate and provided they do not resign their position). All those professros rating "average" shall be used as change distributors in the campus center. Those which are mathematically challenged will be drafted as napkin dispensers, tray collectors and (if literate) be allowed to change the letters in the event sign. All those professors rated as "good" shall be further evaluated to see if they qualify to teach the lower level courses in their department. They will be limited to the introductory level teaching if they qualify, and will be offered the opportunity to apply for reevaluation after a period not to exceed three years. Those who do not meet the qualifications should look for other work as a convenience store clerk, or fast food chain worker if they wish to avoid the fate of the "average" professors. The professors who qualify as "excellent" should be given a raise. They, too, will be reevaluated on a three year basis to determine whether they have slacked and are no sufficient only to be tree stakes.

    The reason for this proposal is so that the hoard of money that is taken in by Rutgers every year for programs and professors is finally well spent towards the education of its community. It should be considered a priveledge to be allowed the opportunity to serve the community with something like an education and should not be taken lightly. The average student at Rutgers enjoys his spoon-feeding and becomes one of the uneducated elite that paid $20,000 to receive a piece of paper and a lot of busy-work for 4-5 years. Perhaps if this plan is implemented, the student body of Rutgers Camden may actually learn how to use his or her brain, instead of allowing it to fry (or freeze) in the poorly climate controlled classrooms. It is my further intention that the professors that continue to rape the students of the freedon to speech and opinion (and therefore free thought--essential to being educated) be crumpled up into little compact packages and cast out of the learning environment as they are no possitive influence to the learning process.

    "The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge." Bertrand Russell

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