There are just too many idiots breeding on this planet. The arable
land is diminishing and we are getting crowded. When small mammals are
crowded together, their metabolic rates increase and they begin to get
aggressive. Mice get so aggressive, in fact, that they cannibalize each
other and even eat their own children. Regardless of the nutritional
problems inherent in this, just think of the parent's overpowering guilt.
Of course, this situation is only slightly less common among larger
mammals, who also increase their stress levels, and they get murderously
aggressive. Thus freeway hijackings and alley muggings have become
commonplace: people are overcrowded. If someone reported that no
murders had been committed in the city recently, you'd think they were
nuts; it's hard to believe in a human society without murder. Lots of
people in a teeny little space tends to lead to complications.
And it's not just overpopulation that's the problem, the people who
are breeding fastest aren't well off enough to afford their children. And
often the most fecund of us are also less educated. The well educated are
having fewer children for a variety of reasons: kids don't fit into the
career plan, kids make a mess of your pristine art deco living room and
break your Yanni cd's; or the parents choose to only raise one or two
children so that they can ensure their financial security, or to plan for
college bills; realize they can only give one or two kids the required
attention. The less educated often don't have the forethought to plan
for the children's future before conception, and so their breeding habits
tend to be more frivolous. Many less educated mothers (and\or the
sometimes-present fathers) have too many children to properly raise and
care for, and sometimes to even feed or clothe.
If humans want to continue to exist comfortably as a species, we
could institute some sort of worldwide birth control measure. Scientists
could develop a vector for a birth control agent that can be transmitted
airborne, or even added to the drinking water of all major population
centers (think what that would do for the spring water and juice
markets*). The first ever prophylactic vaccine is here! Get your red
hot impotence shots! For starters this would eliminate unwanted
pregnancies (unless you wore a respirator, had an artesian well, and
boycotted doctors, but if you're going to all that trouble, are the
pregnancies really unwanted?). A pregnancy would only result from a
conscious decision, not a random act of passion or an accident. So we
won't have a minor population explosion every time there's nothing at Mr.
Video and everybody decides to stay home and make love like crazed
weasels. We could virtually wipe out unwanted teen pregnancies and
children born of the violence of rape.
Hell, we could go a step further and set up a lottery: buy a ticket,
scratch off the spaces and if all three have fetuses in them, you've won
Continued on page 2
* We could market clean water without contraceptives
for those wishing to conceive, clean water with contraceptives for those
wishing not to, and all the usual flavored and mineral waters would now
come in two varieties, as well. The ads read: “Having trouble
conceiving? Try our new line of guaranteed contraceptive-free Water.
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