Melancholy Predator
Suicide Pact
"I killed Tupac, and I'm gunnin' for Snoop." - Mack
Volume 3, Issue 3
22 Sep 96
Depending on who you ask, killing yourself can be either the most noble action or the basest of horrible sins. The Church of Christianity would tell you that suicide will not only bar you from getting into heaven (which they continue to presume is your goal in life) but it really pisses off the angels, too. The Church of Euthanasia on the other hand, is still looking for donations to help set up the first ever Suicide Assistance Hotline.* They commend and revere all people who take their own lives as benefactors of society and nature because they help slow the outrageous growth of the human population. They have a point: there are a lot of redundant, weedlike people floating around. The Church's stance, however, is a bit extreme.
Suicide's worldly reputation is often one of acceptance; some cultures expect and esteem checking out early. Japanese warriors, when dishonored, would often commit hara-kiri (a form of ritual disembowelment) in order to restore honor on the way out. Maybe we could introduce this to the warrior gangs in the inner cities and see if it catches on... too bad that's not an honor-driven society. At one point in Indian history, widows were fully expected to join their husbands' corpses on the funeral pyre. No death-do-us-part drivel on the subcontinent; having lost their reason to live, they were expected to voluntarily stop living, simple as that. In the final years of the twentieth century, popular entertainers often culminated their careers with a fatal narcotic overdose. Suicides of this kind were often deified into "pop gods" such as Elvis or Hendrix.
In nearly all dramatic tragedies, the tragic hero at least considers, if not commits, suicide. Romeo & Juliet decided it was best to go mortal if they couldn't be together, and TheyTM call this an act of love. According to an ancient Greek myth, the wisest creature on the earth, a centaur named Silenas, disclosed the meaning of life only when cornered and threatened with death by a hunter. He said, "It is better that you were never born, but since you have been born, it is best that you d ie quickly." ^ Listen to the horse. Where's the sense in cluttering the planet with yourself and your waste while waiting to die of natural causes? The only real natural cause of death left to us is sheer old age, a death whose preamble is c onstantly forgetting five minutes ago and drooling for years; eventually your heart stops of shock because someone turns your chair around too fast at the old folks home. Any other "natural" way to die is either a nasty recursive virus or a grizzly bear attack. In this country, not even a prisoner waiting for execution is legally allowed to kill himself. Prison guards routinely stifle attempted suicides on death row, even if the imminent execution is only a few days away. Of course, American law condones thro wing one's life away if it's in the name of protecting your country. You'll only get the cool medals if you get hurt, and most Congressional Medals of Honor are awarded after the poor bastard's death. That's why Dr. Kevorkian gets such a bad rap - he's for personal choice even when it's against the law. The Church of Euthanasia keeps a scorecard on their website: at press time the earth's human population was approaching 6 billion. the number of suicides Dr. Kevorkian has assisted was 40. He's catching up, go Dr. K!
Illustration Credits:
* Their church's single commandment is "Thou shalt not procreate." and the four pillars of the church are abortion, suicide, cannibalism and sodomy - all designed to decrease the earth's radical population growth rate. Check 'em out: http://w
^ Remember, suicide is wrong and against the Lord's plan for you. You are a unique and special individual and you have a cosmic purpose in His mind. Feel better? Good, now get back to the main article, Sheep.
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