With the degradation of the American family and the decreasing role of the church in many peoples lives, God must have a lot of free time on His hands (after all, in the board game you only went to church to get married). So much of His flock is too busy buying their Lotto tickets and watching Ricki Lake to pay much attention to Him. What would God do with all His extra time? Go back to school? Learn a new hobby? Or maybe even pick up a second job on the side.
I can't imagine him flipping burgers, and besides that position seems to be already filled by Elvis. Or how about a lawyer? I know Shapiro and Shapiro think they're tough, but just imagine how a defendant might feel if he had a vengeful God cross-examining him?
God would be ABsolutely FABulous as a security guard; not just any
security guard, but a night watchman for the Akzo salt mines. Just consider this for a moment: If he catches any trespassers, he could turn them into pillars of salt. With all the problems the Akzo salt mines have had with collapsing caverns in the recent past, they could use as many pillars of salt holding up their walls as possible.
Many rich and influential people use expensive guard dogs to "earn" their colleagues respect... Can you imagine what kind of reaction the president of Akzo could get. "Oh, really, so this Doberman cost seven thousand dollars, and knows how to respond to the phrase "Go for the juggler§" in six different languages? That's wonderful, honest. I wish I could say that, but I guess the most impressive thing I have is God. He works the night shift, only ten bucks an hour, and he's always bringing in food for his coworkers." Hell, with someone like that on your staff, you don't have to flaunt it.
God really could be capable of so many other things. I mean smiting
people has to be good for something. Like as a hitman for the underground mafia (or the aboveground mafia for that matter, why hide when God is on your side?)
What if God joined the army? I'm sure he'd make it up the ranks quickly; a lot of guys would probably feel rather silly being called "Sir" by the creator. What country in the world would dare stand up against an army with General Jhwh in command? They would be too busy with scourges of locusts, storks (no more killing your first-born children, now you have more and more), and frogs to worry about killing any of their enemy. God's army would have to change all the little toys on the command station's maps, though. They probably wouldn't find much more use in tanks, aircraft, and the like. Those items representing such machinery would need to be exchanged for little rubber frogs, snakes, vials of red food coloring (to indicate each location where it would be most tactical to turn the seas to blood), and little miniature cabbage patch kids to represent those areas where a curse had been laid down on all of the first born of particular regions. Maybe they could use Obi-wan Kenobi figurines to represent places where God intended to create dissent by making a prophet (or a profit).
When you think about it, God already has a second job, he's that fat git who comes down your chimney once a year. God is Santa Claus, he knows when you've been bad and he knows when you've been good, but don't expect to miss out on a mere sack of toys if God catches up with your ass.
§ We know you think we meant "jugular" but we didn't, so get over it.
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