DEAR BFG-
WHATHAPPENS TO A TURTLE'S SPINE WHEN IT PULLS ITS HEAD INTO ITS SHELL?
-SEAN HAMMOND
Sean-
A turtle's neck is actually much longer than most nature programs let on. They can go for thirty-five or even one hundred feet, and are usually mistaken for snakes in the undergrowth. People generally make cracks about the comparative slowness of the turtle, but would you move around hastily if everything within a one hundred foot radius was at arm's (or neck's) reach?
Back in the Middle Ages when men still measured various distances by the lengths of their respective king's body parts, turtles took a decisive role in the invention of the modern tape measure. They used to divvy up turtle's neck into lengths of the current monarch's measurements and then go and use them much as we use tape measures today. They were even better than modern tape measures to some extent because you could clamp their little mouths onto something and then just walk along unreeling the rest of their spine. When you got to the end of whatever you were measuring, all you had to do was just pull on the little bugger's tail until the shock unclamped his head and it would come screaming back towards his little body. Often times these procedures rendered the turtle unconscious, but he'd get over it. The obvious problem with using turtles as tape measures was that whenever they managed to escape into a pond, when you finally retrieved them again, all of their markings were washed off and you had to make another appointment to measure the king.
Eventually the turtles got fed up with their horrendous treatment and we had what the history books don't mention as the "Snapper Rebellion". In the turtle rebellion, the snappers were the fiercest of all of the turtle warriors and led towards an easily decisive victory over mankind. Since this time most of the turtles settled down to relative obscurity and keep the vast expanses of their necks hidden in the wind up mechanism within their shells. All that is except the Snapping turtles, who, by the way, do not let it wander to far, but farther than many of their modern counterparts; it's just cocky. Most snapping turtles are still very bitter about the annexation of their post war land settlements and this is why they have the reputation of being the cruelest of turtles, they're still trying to get revenge.
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We received the following article from two different sources. The first was from a fan in New Jersey. The second was forwarded to one of GDT's editors by the writer of Cereal. We weren't able to trace the source, but we know it had been sent along from people in England, Germany, and the U.S.
We thought we were weird...
Brain Fight
-author unknown(A.P. writer?)
Tokyo, Japan
KASHIMA UNIVERSITY HAS EXPELLED FOUR MEDICAL STUDENTS FOR PELTING OTHER STUDENTS WITH HUMAN BRAINS.
SCHOOL OFFICIALS SAY THREE MEN AND ONE WOMAN WERE DISSECTING BODIES IN THE SCIENCE LABORATORY WHEN ONE OF THE MALES REMOVED PART OF A CEREBRAL CORTEX FROM A CORPSE'S SKULL AND THREW IT AT ONE OF THE OTHER MEDICAL STUDENTS.
WITHIN MINUTES A "BRAIN FIGHT" HAD BROKEN OUT.
THE STUDENTS THEN REPORTEDLY OPENED THE WINDOWS OF THE SECOND-FLOOR LAB AND BEGAN THROWING THE BRAINS DOWN ON UNWITTING PASSERSBYON THE STREET BELOW. ONE GIRL WAS HIT IN THE FACE AND REQUIRED TREATMENT AT THE UNIVERSITY'S EMERGENCY ROOM.
SCHOOL SECURITY OFFICERS SAY THEY'RE FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT MORE PEOPLE WERE INVOLVED IN THE BRAIN-THROWING BUT ONLY FOUR WERE WITTNESSED.
THE EXPELLED STUDENTS SAID THEY DIDN'T PLAN THE BRAIN FIGHT. ONE OF THEM SAID,"IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENED." HE BLAMED THE ODD BEHAVIOR ON THE PRESSURE OF CONSTANT STUDY AND LACK OF SLEEP.
"WE JUST HAD TO LET OFF SOME STEAM," ADMITTED AYAKO HANYU, 19. "I GUESS THINGS GOT A LITTLE OUT OF HAND."
BUT DEAN SHIURO TATSUNO REFUSES TO BUDGE ON HIS DECISION TO EXPEL THE STUDENTS.
"WE REALIZE THAT OUR MEDICAL STUDENTS OUR MEDICAL STUDENTS ARE UNDER PRESSURE" SAID DEAN TATSUNO.
"BUT WE EXPECT OUR FUTURE DOCTORS AND NURSES TO CONDUCT THEMSELVES LIKE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AT ALL TIMES."
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