Sunday February 4th,1996 Vol. 3, issue 7 "I don't think we can absorb anything that has staples in it." -The Bare-Foot Girl Helpful Hints in Planting Family Trees Incest. The word is charged, ripe with culturally explosive power. I remember trying to explain to a friend that I saw nothing wrong with a father and daughter being lovers, as long as both are willing (and able). They were absolutely horrified, but would watch Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back without ever batting an ethical eye-lash. Incest isn't just a popular concept in movies. Look at the Dukes of Hazzard. Darn-near everyone in the Duke family did Daisy (I'm sure even Flash and Cooter got in on the action). Why do you think the the doors didn't open on the General Lee. Then again, she wouldn't want to get out.... But there's a definite line between consent and force. Take for example the case still fresh in the news of the couple arrested on charges of drugging their children with cocaine and then repeatedly raping them: how does a couple get started doing this? One night at dinner, over a plate of vegetarian pasta, one says to the other, "So, Hunny, I was thinking....you should have seen what I did with the kids today." Strange. If you are an open minded individual and are up for some interesting family trees, you can be your own uncle; that's easy...just marry your mother's sister! But here's a challenge: become your own nephew by blood relations. Give up? Here's the solution (we asked around): You need help from the previous generation. Convince your father¥ (hey Dad, I need a favor. No, not the car this time) to impregnate his daughter (insert "Dueling Banjoes" here). Of course this may be easier to do with some fathers than others. So anyway, once your sister delivers you, you are your sister's son, i.e. your nephew. As a special treat, in this scenario, you are also your mother's brother, i.e. your uncle. Congratulations (by the way, your father is also your maternal grandfather, but beyond that we got too muddled trying to get the answers out of our informants, what with their huge speech impediment from their uniteeth). There are a few advantages to being born into an incestuous family: Easier to get a date (Hey sis, wanna watch a movie? I got a new box of Jerky Chews....) Saves gas on traveling to family reunions (where ya gonna go?) Buying cards is a simpler task (You're more than just a sister to me...thanks Mom.) No argument as to who you look like: "You look just like Grandma Fred, and Grandma Giblet." Less people to split the inheritance with. Saves cost on funerals (on the down side, you lose half your family when one person dies). Another Helpful Hint; from GDT. ¥ Our informants had not considered this a feasible possibility because of the temporal displacement difficulties involved in bargaining with your own father before you are born. Luckily, most of the staff of Hell Inc. and its subsidiaries do not deal with time in the standard human linear concept of it. Linear time (that which happens first causes the effect, which becomes the cause for later events) is simply not a convenient practice when you have to deal with so many different entities, not all of which are living at the time you need to speak with them. So, for the sake of economical business, the staff of Hell Inc. uses a mode of relative, dimensional time. To you (as a human) time most likely seems linear, one dimensional. To us it is three dimensional. It is not the fourth dimension of space, or whatever other nonsense your physicists might tell you, but it is a mode of travel all its own, with three dimensions all its own. Actually there are more than three, but we find that the situational possibilities encompassed by three dimensions of time and three of space are sufficient for our transportational needs. If you are satisfied with your feeble, unwieldy four-dimensional reality, then we won't force you to accept more (until it suits our purposes) but we highly recommend multi-dimensional time; it's much more fun and the dimensional rates are much better. The problem is that you have to use a Heisenbergmobile and every time you look down at the chronometer, you get lost get lost.