Sunday January 28th, 1996 Vol. 3, issue 6 "Officer...you show me the yellow line and I'll show you my dick." -The Bare-Foot Girl From its conception, Gracies Dinnertime Theatre has endeavored to bridge the gap between people; there's nothing more touching than seeing two intelligent individuals bludgeoning each other's brains out with rocks (although American Gladiators is sometimes fun to watch) over a series of aural oscillations. In the more advanced cultures of the world, whole professions have been created around this very concept; lawyers, politicians, televangelists, telemarketers, and most homeless people who only want your money, not the food that you might offer. People should be born with a limited number of words they could use. Once they've used up their quota, they're done. No more words for them. Would that be so bad? Look at how people use the gift of language. They abuse it by being mean spirited, grammatically incorrect, or just grunting. And what else? Crank phone calls. I just received what would be termed, "an obscene phone call" and of course this immediately reminded me that I should write something. I suppose that there are several different types of prank calls, the most common ones are probably when the person on the other end of the line either doesn't say anything, or tries to do some heavy breathing, and then starts choking on their first born's fist and finishes their act by wheezing and pleading for you to call 911. These same individuals think it the height of fashion and humor to call you and ask if you have Prince Albert in a can. No matter how much coughing and crying they go through, they just don't hold a candle to the obscene phone callers. I mean here's a person who is actually willing to interact with you. Think about it...think of the possibilities! People spend thousands of dollars a year calling 1-900-TALK-SEX, and one of these guys will do it for free. Sure, the guy on the other end of the line is probably hardly what you would consider alluring§, but half the time the phone sex people aren't even the gender you think they are, so what's the difference? We have to have priorities, and after all, the most important thing is to make sure that your [place any word here] (carnal, libidinal, corporal, corporeal, spicy Italian juices, lewd, lascivious, lecherous, lusty, randy, horny) drives are quelled, quenched, fulfilled, eradicated, diminished, satiated, bla, bla, bla. I mean, we're talking about basic concepts of supply and demand. Lets match up the supplier with the consumers...it's that simple. To hell with all of those petty little commercials that the long distance companies are using. 10 cents a minute? Who cares. Imagine adds like, "Join Sprint's "Strangers in the Night" and get 10 free hours of phone sex." With Sprint always going on about their fiber optic network, maybe they could say something like, "Sound so clear, you can hear a button drop." Or maybe Sally Struthers could get in on the action (insert your own image. We got scared): "Would you like to have more phone sex? Sure, we all would." People could register for non-obscene or obscene when they first get their phone service hooked up, and then when the phone books came out, next to each name and number would be the little asterisk to assert that, "Yes, I do want to be bombarded with an assortment of the most degenerate epithets that have ever existed since the dawn of time." This service would prove doubly functional; it not only directs the obscene phone callers to their pray¥, but it also serves the perverse closet S&M desires of middle America. It's just an effective way of bringing people together, and after all, isn't that what the phone's for? §A man who has one tooth (not as if he has a bunch of rotted out root stubs, more like one tooth that ran the whole distance of his gums (sort of like a unibrow, but more of a unitooth)), long scraggly hair that when brushed deposits small furry animals into the stew pot, ear hair so long you can braid it, corns and bunions (all over his face), edema and psoriasis, one pendulous breast that he has to carry around in a bag, elephantiasis of the testicles (so when he drives his El Camino, his balls have to ride shot-gun), and a dewlap on his goiter. Oh, and did I mention he has a tattoo of his naked mother with the words "I Love Mom"(but he means it), and he is really nice to Grandmother? ¥ Just think of the footnotes.