Hey there sinners, welcome to the column that put the huh? back in cHUrcH. This week is jam packed with morsels of Martyrs so let's dig in! The Martyr of the week for Feb. 4-10 is St. Dorothy (Feb 6). Dorothy was a beautiful maiden who refused the marriage proposal of the provost of Cappadocia. She was jailed after converting the two sisters of this official who were sent to convince her to reconsider. During her time spent in jail she survived unscathed being thrown into burning oil and stretched on a gridiron over a fire (whilst being fed in the meantime by angelic hosts). On the way to her beheading a sarcastic bystander asked her to send fruit and flowers from her "heavenly garden." After her death an angel in the form of a child brought apples and roses to the unbelieving heckler (Theophilus). With one bite from the apple he was converted and was subsequently jailed, beheaded, chopped into pieces and fed to the birds. Other Martyrs of note this week include St. John de Britto (Feb 4 (beheaded in India by Hindu clergy after converting a local rajah and convincing him to give up his youngest wife)), St. Agatha (Feb 5 (Sicilian virgin whose breasts were cut off after she refused the advances of a Roman Senator. Miraculously her mammaries were restored by St. Peter who rubbed a celestial ointment on them. She then survived, chastely, time spent in a brothel and an attempted burning at the stake, so they chopped off her head.)), St. Peter Baptist (Feb 6 (tortured, maimed and then crucified by the Japanese in Nagasaki after the Shogun Hideyosi banned the practice of Christianity)) and St. Apollonia (Feb 9 (was attacked by a pagan mob, which ripped out her teeth with forceps, for harboring Christians. She then leapt of her own volition into a fire rather than deny Christ)). Remember, refusing the advances of a Roman suitor can be hazardous to your health.

Colloquial Contest GDT's first, and possibly last contest. For the next few weeks we will be printing up several common colloquialisms which have been reconstructed in a more verbose manner. The winner of the contest will be the person capable of deciphering more of these colloquialisms than anyone else. The prize will be fifty dollars (cash, none of this "the card" crap), and if the winner chooses, they may also become privy to the secrets of "Cafe Diablo" the most diabolical coffee in the world and the official drink of Hell Inc. The winner's name will be posted in the first issue of volume 4. All answers must be sent to GDT by Reading Day (February 21st, 1996) at the end of the quarter. GDT bids you good luck. This Week's Colloquialisms: 19. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interlude of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 20. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green bryophitic plants. 21. The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

GDT Colloquial Contest Rules and Regulations: This contest is restricted to only those people registered as students at the RIT campus. Others may send answers, but may not be counted among the winners circle. Additional... ...all GDT staff members are prohibited from entering this contest, as well as any of their family members, lovers, pets, or body parts. Any GDT staff member caught leaking information to the public at large will be given their choice of five delightfully hideous executions, in addition to having to make a batch of Cafe Diablo for the staff.

Send answers to diablo@csh.rit.edu, or send replies to: 472 French Rd., Rochester, NY 14618 If you should happen to miss any of the issues from volume 3, you may find them on our web site, or alternatively you can purchase hard copies through our fan club.