X-MAS
It's almost that time of year! The time when the whole country is united in feelings of elation, joy, and child like excitement.
Yes, it's almost time for....the Super Bowl!! Sure, you thought I was going to say Christmas, but compared to the big S.B., Christmas is now second rate. Not all Americans celebrate Christmas, but a TV featuring steroidal men mauling each other on one wintery January night drops the cultural barriers for a fleeting time. Money wise, Christmas is a big haul for retailers, but big corporations frantically bid against each other to debut their new commercials during the Super Bowl. And let's talk Nielsen ratings: Super Bowl- hundreds of millions of viewers, Charlie Brown Christmas- four. Why watch Linus pontificate when you can see the NFC dominate?
So Christmas is taking a beating. Some even say that the true meaning of Christmas has been lost in the holiday bustle. To that I say, let it go. 'Christ' is now just 'X' (oh, the irony) to most holiday revelers. If the true spirit is truly gone, it will take a long time to switch people's attitudes back.
Which means it's high time somebody proposed a quick fix! The sure fire way to boost Christmas' ratings is to combine it with the biggest event of the year. Have Christmas one day and the Super Bowl the next§! Which dates to pick isn't even an issue; December 25th is just as arbitrary as any other day (Jesus is believed by biblical scholars to have been born in the spring), so it could easily be switched. The Super Bowl has to stay on the same date, or the whole NFL season would be messed up. What do you want, the emotional heart of this nation in scheduling chaos?
Fascist.
The real beauty in changing the date is that nobody even has to get the consent of the Pope. The Dallas Cowboys alone could easily buy him off (Nike dollars fed to NFL Super Bowl Commercial paid to the Pope for consent sent to Iran to buy arms for hostages...), but why bother? Americans don't listen to the Pope anyway (except for maybe some members of I.V. or B.A.S.I.C, but I don't think they count...do you?). What is he going to do, issue a papal bill? Ooooooooo...that might actually be read by a bishop or two.
Dramatic scenes from Christmas and the Super Bowl could be intertwined for the benefit of all. On Christmas morning: a copy of "NFL Super Bloopers" for Dad. During Super Bowl halftime: the Nativity Scene! You could get Ronald McDonald as Joseph, Whitney Houston as Mary, Michael Jackson and 3,000 of his closest prepubescent friends as shepherds, and, in a very special role, Macaulay Culkin as the baby Jesus. Subbing in the Three Officials for the Three Wise Men would be no problem, and John Madden could diagram all the action so as not to lose everyone watching at Hooters™.
Even God couldn't afford miss out on that kind of exposure. A ridiculous idea? Hardly. Giving J.C. Super Bowl exposure would saturate all of America with the true meaning of Christmas, forcing religious ideals back into people's lives, setting this country back on the Republican way of prayer in schools, more money for the military, xenophobia, and Great Depressions.
Yessir, those were the good old days. We didn't have anything but we were happy! Shoe leather in our stomachs and cow stomachs on our feet, it made you tough, yessir! A scary idea? Probably.
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