Enter with me into the hallowed halls of the Catholic Conspiracy. The martyr of the week for December 17 - 23: is no one. I could not locate a martyr of any merit for this week ( there are a couple who were martyred in Tuscany and Rome, but they were boring) so we will focus our morbid interests on the weeks we missed over Thanksgiving break. I would take a glance into the last few weeks of the year, but the only people martyred then are boring as well (some obscure prophet from Nazareth, nailed to a tree by the Romans- no pictures available). The martyrs we will cover are St. Edmund (Nov. 20), St.Cecilia (Nov. 22) and St. Catherine (Nov. 25). St. Edmund was King of East Anglia in England in the late 800's when Viking attacks were still a common thing. His martyrdom came about because of a misunderstanding with some Danish Vikings over who had killed their King. When Edmund's army was defeated by the Danes, he offered himself up to the enemy, hoping to spare his people. He was scourged, shot with arrows and beheaded (dying with the name of Jesus on his lips). They then took his head and hid it in a different part of the forest in which they had killed him. When his men finally found the body a year later, they searched in vain for the head but cried out, "Where art thou?" You guessed it, the head cried out "Here! here! here!" When the head and body were reunited they miraculously rejoined and Edmund's incorrupt corpse was taken to Bury St. Edmunds.

St. Edmund

St. Cecilia

Our next martyr is St. Cecilia. Cecilia was a Roman maiden who was reputed to be able to play any musical instrument, sing any song, hear angelic harmonies and may have invented the organ. Found guilty of being a Christian she was condemned to die in her steam bath. She survived the boiling steam, but was struck down with three sword blows to the neck. She lived for three more days (lying in her bathtub with a severed head). She was buried in gold robes, but not without her customary hairshirt underneath. Lastly we come to St. Catherine of Alexandria. Our Saint was an Egyptian queen after whom the Roman Emperor Maxentius lusted. She rebuffed his advances, preferring to study philosophy. She was converted to Christianity after merely being shown a picture of the Madonna and child. This angered Maxentius and he rounded up 50 pagan philosophers to debate with her. Not only did she outwit them, she ended up converting the lot as well. Maxentius had the philosophers killed and after Catherine refused his advances again, had her strapped to a spiked wheel (hence the torture device the "Catherine Wheel"). Angels wielding lightning destroyed the wheel, but this did not save our Saint. She was instead beheaded, but milk, not blood, flowed from her wound.

St. Catherine

Colloquial Contest GDT's first, and possibly last contest. For the next few weeks we will be printing up several common colloquialisms which have been reconstructed in a more verbose manner. The winner of the contest will be the person capable of deciphering more of these colloquialisms than anyone else. The prize will be fifty dollars (cash, none of this "the card" crap), and if the winner chooses, they may also become privy to the secrets of "Cafe Diablo" the most diabolical coffee in the world and the official drink of Hell Inc. The winner's name will be posted in the first issue of volume 4. All answers must be sent to GDT by Reading Day (February 21st, 1996) at the end of the quarter. GDT bids you good luck. This Week's Colloquialisms: 4. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid 6. Freedom from incrustations of grim is contiguous to rectitude.

GDT Colloquial Contest Rules and Regulations: This contest is restricted to only those people registered as students at the RIT campus. Others may send answers, but may not be counted among the winners circle. Additional... ...all GDT staff members are prohibited from entering this contest, as well as any of their family members, lovers, pets, or body parts. Any GDT staff member caught leaking information to the public at large will be given their choice of five delightfully horrible executions, in addition to having to make a batch of Cafe Diablo for the staff.

Send answers to diablo@csh.rit.edu, or send replies to: 472 French Rd., Rochester, NY 14618 If you should happen to miss any of the issues from volume 3, you may find them on our web site, or alternatively you can purchase hard copies through our fan club.